from now on my penis is your penis
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
