Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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