Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
