Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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