I wish I could teleport
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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