Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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