Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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