I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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