Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
