i just sent this text using only my big toe
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
