i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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