How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
