I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
