Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
