I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
