I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
