My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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