he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
