My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
