Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
