i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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