I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
