Cold hands, warm shart.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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