life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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