so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
