Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
