I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just cut my nipple shaving
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
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