I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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