Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
