My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize