Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
