I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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