yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
