so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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