I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
