I could make wine with my vomit
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
