Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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