Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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