You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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