I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He had one of those small greek statue penises
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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