Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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