It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
