Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
being pregnant is like rehab
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
