He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
