Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
