Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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