My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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