I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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