i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
