she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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