I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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