So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
