I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
