be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
