Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
