She is in my trunk
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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