apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
