Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize