so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
