My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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