she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
