Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
