It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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