I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
