i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
