dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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